March has been a weird month.
The baby and I have both been sick twice, my current bout now going on 12 days (finally got antibiotics yesterday because this ish needs to STOP), hubs has been sick once, we’ve had both shipments of our stuff arrive (yay!) AND our car (yay yay!), but I hurt my back the morning of the second shipment (super fun spasm) so I’ve been off of working out for a week and a half. Combine all of that with having been in Korea for two months now and only having left the base a handful of times and not having left the town we’re in at all, PLUS the fact that I’m a stay-at-home mom with a stay-at-home job and 99% of my friends and family are in a different country, and, well, your girl’s got herself a hearty bit of cabin fever and maybe just a splash of situational depression.
I was on a looooong and much-needed call with Momma Bear this morning and was able to finally call the depression out by name. Hubs could tell something was off the other night and asked me about it, and I tried to explain how I’ve just felt off, like nothing looked how I thought it was gonna look this month and how I’m not happy. I mean, it’s not that I’m never happy, because I definitely have enjoyed plenty of moments this month, but I don’t feel like myself and I don’t like that. And for anyone who read the line about things not looking how I thought they would and thought, “Well you really shouldn’t have expectations because that leads to disappointment,” I love you, but shut it. But also I love you. I know expectations are dangerous, but it happened and now I’m here, so there’s really no point in letting me know that I shouldn’t have had them in the first place.
The cherry blossoms are starting to bloom and it’s about to get gorgeous around here. Korea is super pretty anyways, but the Cherry Blossom Festival comes around every early April and from what we’ve been told it’s quite wondrous. Our whole street on base is lined with the trees, with two especially large ones looming just over our front steps, so when they all hit full bloom I imagine it’ll be pretty spectacular. The festival itself takes place in Jinhae, and millions of people descend on our little town to take part in it. They even open up the base for a day, which should be very interesting given how small it is, but I also like that it provides a bonding experience for us and the local population. We’ve been told to be back on base by I believe noon on the day it’s open though, because otherwise we have to wait in line to get back on and it’s typically around an hour and a half. So we’re just not gonna leave that day!
I will say that the blossoms are gradually helping me shift in a better direction. I pass under a ton of them every time I walk to or from daycare (which is typically four times a day, five days a week), so I’ve gotten to see them in all of their stages, from dead, to sprouting, to buds, to peeking open, to half-bloom, and then an overnight blossom into beautiful flowers of the palest, palest pink. They really are something. And the process is hitting home with me right now, because I feel a little bit like that dead tree phase, where I’m not really dead but I’m not really showing the signs of life that I know are in here somewhere. I need to find my spark again, my sunlight that’ll help me go through all those other phases and turn into a gorgeous lil flower. I’ve been there before and I know I can get it back, but I feel like ever since I had the baby it’s been a constant struggle of back and forths as I try to dig myself back up out of the trenches. And what makes it frustrating sometimes is when onlookers comment on my physical progress or even talk about how great it is that I’m working in the fitness industry now and how it’s such a perfect fit for me, because while I agree, I don’t feel like I’m really in it yet. I feel more like I’m parading around pretending to have lost weight and smacking a smile on my face because it’s the right thing to do rather than being how I truly feel.
I don’t know. I know I’ll get out of this place. I need to get my ass out of the house more, to start with. I’ve decided that once my back is well enough to work out again I’m not going back to the 80-day program I was doing before. It’s a fab program, but I’m really craving lifting and there are several Beachbody programs that are perfect for that, so me and the laptop or iPad are gonna head to the gym a few days a week and get our swol on. Well, I dunno if the electronics will get swol, but they’ll help me get swol, so it’s kinda the same thing. And I’m gonna find other opportunities to get out, too. Like today hubs and I went grocery shopping on his lunch break so we could spend this evening going out into town for dinner, and this weekend I’m *finally* gonna get to go to Daegu (about an hour and a half from here), which is where the big exchange and commissary are. Hubs says it’ll be great for me because the drive up is super pretty and once we’re on the base there I’ll feel like I’m in America—there’s even a Burger King, Starbucks, and Subway! We’re gonna get cray, obviously. And since this was my birthday month (the big 32, woop woop), I might even let myself buy some new clothes (and NOT workout gear!).
As for the dietary changes we had going before, we tried grain-free sugar-free high-fat/low-carb for four weeks and ultimately decided that we would rather just eat a balanced diet. We’re still aiming for as few added sugars as possible and we’ll be limiting our flour intake, but things like brown rice and the occasional wheat or grain bread or pasta are back on the menu (along with quinoa, one of our faves!).
So that’s where I’m at, kids. And since the baby just woke up, I’ll sign off with a big hug to anyone out there who needs it, and a, “See ya when I feel like barfing up my life again.”